I can't believe there are like two and a half months left of 2015. Where did the time go?

I've been going back and forth about this entry because it's a really personal topic and also extremely difficult to just, you know, explain without too much detail.

I was going to post something hair-related (I'll do it next week) but I had an incident that made me feel done with everything, I guess...and I just HAD to write this. So here we go.

As you can see, the tittle is "Anxiety" so, yes, I'll be writing about that.

Why did I choose anxiety as today's matter? Well, I gotta be honest, I've been thinking about it for a long time because I read certain people saying certain things and I feel the need to educate them about this topic. I'm not an expert, of course, but some people know nothing at all about it and I think that everything would be better for both sides (people with anxiety and people without it) if these humans knew a little bit more about how it is dealing with it. Also, yes, I am pretty much done with friends and family giving me shit for things I can't control.

I've had anxiety for a few years now, but I didn't understand how real it was 'till highschool.
I remember being like 8 at school, forgetting something useful, maybe a pencil, and instead of going to the teacher to ask her if she had one that I could borrow, I would go to the bathroom and cry. Legitimately cry for a while until somebody found me there and tried to calm me down.

Back then, I thought it was a normal reaction.
I don't know, I've always been too sensitive and shy so I didn't like asking for stuff, and I guess in my head (and in my mum's head) that justified my behaviour. I simply was a naïve child with fear of embarrassment, there's nothing rare on that. Who isn't afraid of being embarrassed at one point?

Anyway, things got a lot worse as years came by.
I never stopped being shy, I still am. I consider myself an introvert, I have a really hard time meeting people even though they can't notice it. I might seem okay but I can't stop thinking about going home almost every second I'm meeting someone new or I feel slightly uncomfortable somewhere. And yeah, that sucks, but it sucks even more when you realize that maybe those attacks you're having are not because of how shy you are, but because you've got anxiety.

Everybody gets anxious sometimes, that's normal. But when "sometimes" becomes frequent, so frequent that you don't know how it feels like to wake up and go on your day without getting too nervous/anxious, that's when you become fully aware of your problem.

I hate speaking on the phone because for whatever reason, it makes me feel immensely anxious; I have a really hard time asking/paying for stuff at stores because even though I've prepared what I want to say and I've repeated it over and over in my head, I think I'm going to screw up and something terrible is going to happen, like, the end of the world or some shit like that; I can't start a conversation sometimes because it feels overwhelming and like I'm trapped.

There's a lot of social/every day stuff that I struggle with, and the point of this entry is simple: I want people to understand this mental illness. Maybe it seems stupid to you, but believe me, it doesn't feel like a tiny bump.

I'm tired of people telling me to "grow up" or "stop being lazy" because I'm not the one who orders our food if we're a having a night out. Listen, just because I don't have a breakdown right there (which, some of my friends make me feel like doing sometimes) doesn't mean I'm being lazy. I'm not being lazy and I don't need to grow up, I just need people to understand that some days doing average stuff like that is beyond my power. I simply can't. Or well, I can but it's going to cause a whole lot of anxiety and you know, it'd be nice if you saved me that affort.

Because hey, maybe it's not a big deal for you, and believe me, I'M HAPPY TO KNOW THAT. But it is for me, and being obliged to do something that's going to make me feel like that just because you think I need to 'grow a pair', is fucking cruel. I might get that food you all wanted me to order, but I also get anxious and I'm instantly feeling like shit. Sometimes it even leads to an anxiety attack.

That reminds me of something I wanted you to know: those attacks are not always visible. It's not always the same 'I can't stop fucking crying and I can't breath' routine. Sometimes you're hyperventilating and you literally can't breath, that's true; but there are also times when you stare into space and you're out of it, or you don't talk at all, or all you say comes out from a bout of rage/irritability.

I've had those kind of attacks a million times and people think I'm being rude out of nowhere. Guess what? I'm not being rude, you just made me feel even worse about my anxiety and like I'm useless. I would LOVE to go buy a brick of juice and not walk the same aisle twenty times because I keep reassuring myself of what I have to say, or if I have to say anything at all. I bet it's nice, not feeling that lump in your throat or your nerves wrecking every single time you're going to do something ordinary. But I can't change that.

I've learned (more or less) how to control my attacks and all of that, but I can't change the way I am. Most of the time I'm aware that the fear is unreasonable, but I cannot do anything about it, I'm unable to overcome it because that's the way anxiety works.

I won't say I'm sorry, because I'm not.
I know people with anxiety spend way too many nights thinking about how sorry they are for having this problem, I've done it too. But you don't have to be sorry for being human, fuck everyone else.

I'm only sorry for the moments when I just want everything to be quiet and somebody talks or makes a minimum noise, so I get like really agitated/angry and people's voices start driving me insane. I'm sorry because I know it's not their fault but I still act rude towards them and it's not fair.

ANYWAY, the point of this entry is to make some of you guys understand that we suffer this thing, we don't control it, we're not lazy. Please don't push someone to do something that is obviously making them have a hard time.

Have a nice week!!!



2 comentarios:

  1. I could have never written this the way you did but I feel every single word as if they were my own. I struggle with this every single day, I don't even know exactly when it started. I just remember that in primary school my teacher told my parents I could see somebody aka a therapist or sth because I was ''more shy than usual" and didn't talk with many kids or teachers/didn't participate in class at all. But well, my point here is that it's somehow nice to be reassured that it's okay to feel this way. Because it's hard to remember when idk you suddlenly forget how to freaking walk properly bc you feel people is looking at you or when you can't physically stand being in class when everyone is talking and it annoys you so much you want to run away.
    But whatever, this is so long already and I don't know what else to say so yeah, thank you for writing this.
    Anna x

    1. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply, didn't see this!

      Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, means a lot.

      I know how much it sucks when those things happen and people don't get them, which makes everything even worse and more uncomfortable.

      It's something that we have to live with, but we're more than okay!!! We're not "weird humans" or anything like that.

      Oh, and if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

      Carmen x


to top