I used to think I was afraid of silence, but I actually love it quite a lot.

Sometimes when I'm home alone for a few hours and I can hear nothing but silence, I get paranoid. It's like my own mind is playing games and trying to scare me by thinking there are noises that aren't actually real. And yeah, that makes me think I'm afraid of silence. Not hearing a thing is kinda intimidating, weird, too obscure.

But then again, I fucking love that sensation of freedom I get when I can't hear anything. I know, I know...what does freedom has to do with this? Well, for me, a lot.

I get anxious when there's too much noise going around me; I feel trapped when people won't stop talking to me with a really loud voice; I need to close my eyes and hold my breath for a few seconds every once in a while because of all the sounds I hear when I'm trying to do something.

I love what people call "awkward" silences, because they're not awkward to me. Not at all. I don't care if I'm with someone and we spend half an hour without talking, I think that's nice. Even more than that; being so comfortable with a person to the point of enjoying your time together while doing/saying nothing, is amazing.

I love when I'm drinking a cuppa and all I can hear is my own breathing, or the sound the pages of my notebook make. I love being able to sharp my senses because there's not a constant clamour distracting me.

So, yes, when I finally get a minute of complete silence, I feel free. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my chest, like my ears can take a well-deserved break.

And then I scream.
I scream. And scream. And scream.
Because the silence drives me crazy and I need to hear my voice again.



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