A while ago I wrote an entry about anxiety, some vague description of what it is and how it feels like dealing with it. Today I want to "rewrite" that entry. Actually, I want to complete it, adding more information about this mental illness and also sharing some more of my experiences.

As you may know, Charlie McDonnell has been one of my top 3 favourite content makers since forever, and before I start getting into detail with the topic, I gotta mention him, because this video is what finally convinced me of writing this second part.

That being said, here we go!

I already mentioned this in my other entry, but I guess it's only fair to let you guys know (or to remind you, if you read the other one too) when and how/why my anxiety started.

I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember, this thing has been going on since I was a little kid, even when I wasn't aware of it.

I've always been the shy little girl, so everything - and when I say everything, it is LITERALLY everything - I did that could have been related to anxiety, was justified with the "she's just a really shy girl" phrase.

And I believed it. For many, many years, I assumed that being extremely nervous while asking for a pencil was a thing shy people went through; or that meeting new kids was a nightmare/got me nauseous because that's what being shy is about. Well, I was wrong.

Yes, you can be shy and feel nervous when you meet people for the first time, but there's a limit, and when you cross it, you have to consider that hey, you might have anxiety. If that anxious feeling is an every day issue/doesn't let you do ordinary stuff...something's happening there.

I realised that when I was still pretty young, I think I was like 12 or so? There was some serious situation going on in my family and I got really really anxious. I still to this day remember feeling that chest pain and how I was breathing way too fast and how everything seemed to be closing off.

I had a quite bad anxiety attack that afternoon and that's when my brain was like 'this is not the first time something like this has happened and I don't think it's because of your shyness'. I didn't actually understood what anxiety was until highschool, though.

Obviously, as I just wrote, after that bad episode I knew there was something else going on with me, but I wasn't sure of what it was and I had no idea of anything that had to do with mental illnesses. But yeah, highschool started and that's when things went down to hell.

I'm not going to get into detail because I rather forget those years of my life - dramatic, I know - but what I do want to mention is how I've become more comfortable with this illness over the years.

I'm not going to lie, I wish I didn't have anxiety. I still have moments where it gets really bad and doing things that I'm supposed to enjoy, is a complete disaster. But in the last year or so, I've been able to say this to myself: this is who I am, there's no reason for me to feel bad about not going out one night with my friends because I'm not feeling good. This is an illness as valid as a physical one, and I don't have to be ashamed.

People used to make me feel so so bad for things that I don't even have control over...and sometimes they still do. Let's face it, things have changed but they're not magically perfect. The difference is that even when they make me feel bad for putting me and my mental health first, I know I'm doing the best thing for me.

It took me long enough to understand all of that, and a lot of it has to do with something Charlie said on his video. The moment you put a pill on your tongue, somehow everything gets more "official". I'm aware of the fact that I am ill, my anxiety is not some cute trail like the internet is pretending lately.

Anyway, just felt like getting that out of my system.
Spread some awarness, folks! Society has made progress, but mental illnesses need more and more and more attention. We all should be able to learn about them at a young age, and hopefully, kids will have that education in the future and won't grow up in an enviroment where depression is thrown off as "being lazy and sad like any other teenager".

P.S: I need to say something to the people that to this day, still tell me that I "can't have real anxiety because I always look calm"; ladies and gentleman...apples and oranges are not the same.

Have a nice week!!!



2 comentarios:

  1. Oh this post is very relatable and very true! I definitely think we need to stop ignoring things like anxiety. It also really bothers me when someone says they have anxiety, then another person will be like "oh yeah but everyone has that". Argh. It belittles what it is when you truly suffer from it all. the. time. I have pretty intense anxiety too :/ but I'm learning how to manage/live with it so it's still there but not going to ruin my life. :') Anyway! I'm glad you wrote this post and it was very wonderful to read!

    1. Thank you for taking your time to read my entry and leave a comment, means a lot!

      Yeah, anxiety sucks and sometimes it's really hard to go on with your day if you suffer from it, but I agree with you. We can totally learn how to manage it and live with it so it doesn't ruin our lives!

      Carmen x


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