Hello there, friends.

I know it's not Monday, but today I bring you an entry that it's simply written for my own good. I need to get things out of my chest and writing is the best way to do that, so bear with me.

Last Wednesday Johannah Deakin, mother of Louis Tomlinson, passed away. The news were out yesterday, and I wasn't aware of how much a death of someone I didn't personally know could affect me until then.

The moment I read the official statement I was already tearing up; mainly because I'm way too sensitive when it comes to these things, and also because stuff related to Louis is usually a big deal for me - as ridiculous as it sounds, it's always been that way.

I was a bit wary about writing this entry because I know that some people won't get why it has affected me this much emotionally speaking, but it is what it is.

I'm gonna start off by saying that it hit close home and maybe that's why I felt it so deeply, I don't know. All I know is that I felt a mix of sadness and rage, I couldn't understand why it's always like this, the universe taking the best humans and keeping them far away from earth.

Why is such an amazing woman gone? Why at such a young age? Why leaving so many loved ones behind? Why is the world so fucking unfair? 

The answer to all those questions is I don't know. I don't have a fucking clue and I probably never will. I've been asking myself all of that for a few years now since I started realising how life is not fair after all.

When I was younger and discovering my way into religion, I was told that God wanted the best for us. I was also told that all the good you do when you're alive, it's compensated as you live, and if not, later on when you go to heaven. I stopped believing in God when I looked around and wondered; if God wants us happy and healthy, why are innocent people dying? Why is cancer a thing? Why are children starving? I couldn't understand how all those things existed if God was looking out for us.

I, still to this day, can't understand it.
I no longer am part of any religion, but I tried and tried and tried to get an answer to all those questions. Because I understand that we all have to die at some point, I do. I just don't understand why terminal illnesses are something so present in our lives. I never will.

But I don't want to write about this sad reality that we all know about, I want to write this as a tiny and humble tribute to Jay. At some point I'm not even sure if I have the right to mourn, if I'm intruding or not...I hope I'm not.

One of the reasons why I felt/feel so deeply about this is because Jay has always reminded me of my mum. From the glimpses we were able to see of her, I could tell that she was a special one. She was kind, loving, willing to always help others, caring...genuinely a good person. You could tell how much she loved love and life, and that's not something you see everyday.

She lived for her children and family, they were her life and you could feel how much she loved and cared about them. It truly was inspiring and overwhelming to see the love and how proud she was of every single one of them, of all their achivements. She raised incredible people with her values - generosity, selflessness, perseverance and strength. And above all, a heart full of love to give.

I always wondered how someone as tiny as Louis could fit such a big heart, but then I got to see little glimpses of Jay and I knew how - she taught him. She fit her own huge heart on her tiny self and taught all her children to do the same. 

Although I never met her, I always felt like I knew her - again, maybe because of how much she was like my mum. Someone who had been through a whole lot, but was still standing and ready to keep fighting and loving deeply. The epitome of support.

The adoration I could see coming from Louis when it came to her has always been familiar, the same I've got when it comes to my mum. You can tell an unique bond when you see it, and they definitely had it. I can't even express how sorry I am that this happened.

Seeing how deeply her passing has affected so many people - some of them fans who didn't have the chance to personally know her - says a lot. It shows how prominent she's been in the boys' lives and our own lives as a result, how influential and inspirational she's been - directly and indirectly. She's done so much good in this world.

As I already mentioned, I wanted to write this because this is my own way of coping. But I also wanted to write this to tell you that if you're feeling sad or angry or numb too, it's okay. I promise.

Compassion for tragedies that don't affect our lives directly is uniquely human. And fortunately - or unfortunately in this case - our connection to strangers feels more intense because of the way the world works nowadays. It's terrible sometimes, but it can be beautiful too.

Let yourself feel, don't hold it.

I wanna end this entry telling Jay - she's a star now, stars can see everything - that your actions and words reminded me of how important it is to defend the ones you love and improve their lives and the lives of others. There's always enough love to spread, thank you for teaching me (and your kids) that important lesson. I hope you know how many hearts you touched with your beautiful soul and I also hope you're smiling right now.

For Jay, who reminded me of my own fiercely incredible mum.

Love, Carmen.


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