The future and stuff.

Turns out I haven't posted a thing since April. APRIL. Is this even a blog? Is it my blog anymore? Because it certaintly feels like I fail to keep it updated and I've got no excuse this time.

It's not that I've been so busy I couldn't find a second in three months to post anything; it's not that I don't know what to write about - got plenty of drafts half written. It's simply that I've been feeling more uninspired lately and it felt like my own blog was a burden.

I'm still not sure when I'm going to be 100% back, because I can't promise I'll update every Monday after this entry. I won't do that and then break that promise again, so I hope the few of you that actually read this shit (thank you!!!) enjoy this little piece of mind I'm sharing today.

When I first pasted the quote by Ferdinand de Saussure that I've got as my 'something about me' on the side, I thought: 'Will people think I'm trying to look cool and/or mysterious and that's why I wrote this? Should I put a more casual description here?' but I ended up putting it anyway and letting people think whatever they wanted.

No, I don't consider myself a walking paradox just for the sake of sounding cool when I say it - not like I actually introduce myself saying stuff like that, but you know. It's not a way to somehow elegantly describe myself and make it sound smart, it's just...the truth. And I think lots of people are like that too.

I just wasted too many words explaining that because it's kind of related to what I wanted to write about.

I've found myself confronting myself more often than not lately.

I know that sounds freaking weird, but hear (read) me out.
I consider myself someone that thinks about the future before making decisions and someone who says 'fuck the future' a lot too. That alone is a fucking contradiction, and it's something that's been the cause of my frustration the last few days.

Because the thing is - and this is where the actual discourse begins - I try to live day by day. I've realised that it's so much better for me and my mental health to stop worrying about every single thing that's going on in my life and mainly, about everything that will happen whenever. I obviously haven't mastered that yet, I still worry about shit way before it happens (anxiety...I'm looking directly at you), but I'm trying.

But living day by day means being pacient, no more of the 'time to anticipate events' shit, focus on the moment, blah blah blah. I agree with all of that, it is wonderful to find this balance in which you do care about your future but not to the point where it causes you stress and/or unnecessary worry. Sounds great, right? It is, but here comes the paradox.

While I'm thinking all of that, trying really fucking hard to put my anxiety as far as she lets me, I'm also thinking that I'm not doing enough by just living life day by day or minute by minute. It's like I want more than that

And I mean, I'm 21 - 22 next month - so it's normal to think that way, to long for more and then excuse myself saying that I have time for that, time for everything. Yeah, I guess I do...or do I? Who the fuck knows. The world could end tomorrow and here I am, stuck wanting more.

So, I want to take life as an adventure and enjoy every day without feeling like every day is a nightmare and THANKS UNIVERSE, TOMORROW IS FRIDAY, but I also want that adventure to happen right now. Does that make me stupid and impacient? Probably. It's not that I don't want to wait because I can't, but simply because, what's the use of that? Waiting waiting waiting waiting...and then what? Lucklily you get old and you might have a chance to finally enjoy what's around you and do whatever you feel like doing.

Basically what I'm saying is that I want to wait but I also don't want to wait. I want to start doing all of that now, while I'm young and ready to take over the world. And I want to do that every day, not just on certain occasions. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

Sadly, doing that is not easy neither something you achieve in a week. Time to woman up and be more patient when it comes to these things. Maybe I can take over the world minute by minute too, huh?

All that rambling for a ridiculous conclusion, I'm sorry.
Let me know what you think, please!

Have a nice week!!!


6 comentarios:

  1. I think it makes sense! I guess it's important to be always checking in with yourself and making sure that you're happy with the way you're living, because it's so easy to get stuck in a loop or a habit that you're not okay with

    1. You're absolutely right! It's really hard to change everything you don't like with the way things are going but little by little!

      Thanks for your comment x

  2. I wish you a good lucky, everything will be great!

  3. It does make sense, at least to me!! I kinda feel the same way which is so bloody frustrating but oh well. I think it's nice that you're trying to live day by day, it must be hard but yay you! I think I should try it too and stop overthinking every little thing and stop worrying about the past and the future!
    Anna x

    1. It is frustrating, isn't it? Gahhh, wish we could just shake it all off and do whatever we want, but that'd be way too easy.

      Hope you get to enjoy things more and worry a little less! x


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